Life Sucks.

"Go to college." They said. "It'll pay off in the long run."

3 years later, 3 years after graduation, after 2 years at a Jr. College, and 4 years at a prestigious private University...I have my degree. Nearly 10 years of my life and what does that get me? Jack shit! Where's that elusive big money career I was promised by my relatives? Where's my payoff for all the toil and sweat and sleepless nights hunched over textbooks and doing pages upon pages of reading, writing, and research? It doesn't exist! Oh sure, everyone says at the time how proud they are of what you accomplished, pats on the back all around, and a couple of $100 checks from some family members. But after that it's "When are you going to do something with your life?" "All you do is lie around all day!" "Find a real job." Everyone has very good advice for MY life and what I should do with it. Of course it's easy to dispense advice when it isn't your life. Yeah, tell someone to get a job, because it's just that easy! Fuck! Why the hell didn't I think of that three years ago when, degree in hand, I went around applying to every damn job that I came across. The only thing I got hired for? Selling purses at $8.75 an hour at Macy's during the holidays to some of the most stuck up, bitchy customers on the planet, with a boss breathing down the back of my neck every minute of every day like I was some toddler with a load in my pants for not making my sales quotas and opening at least 3 credit card accounts a week during an economic downturn and being called stupid by some trophy wife because I wouldn't use two coupons on one item just for her...all the while trying to keep my homicidal thoughts to myself and thinking "This is what I went to fucking college for?"

 Tell someone to "get a job" but don't actually do anything to help them in any way, just nag and criticize. That's the story of my life! Okay, you want me to get a job? How about you get off your ass too and help me, instead of just saying "Get a job, Get a job, Get a job" over and over and over again like some broken record or brain damaged parrot sitting on my shoulder and squawking in my ear! I have worked before you know. The idea of getting a job isn't foreign to me. I was working at a Fabric Store when I was in High School. I know what a job is, I understand the concept. I like working and feeling accomplished, and yeah...getting paid. Now, FINDING A JOB...Finding someone who will actually hire you is the problem. You see I was fortunate enough (sarcastically) to graduate from college during one of the worst recessions since the Stock Market Crash or the Great Depression. People who had jobs got fired, businesses that had been around for decades just closed down completely, and stupid kids with college degrees were unleashed upon the world with a bucket full of hope that they too would have a $50,000 a year career while other people with 20 years experience were being let go because the company couldn't afford them anymore, and their families had to move in with other relatives because the bank foreclosed on their house. So basically what you've got right there is a recipe for a big old pot of Fuck You Stew.

And the one thing they don't tell you in school? Having just a degree doesn't mean crap either! You can't just walk in to a company and say "Here's my college degree. My Mommy's so proud. Now give me the job." You and the 150 other people who all applied for the same job. No, it doesn't work that way. Just because you put in 4 years or more of higher education, (taking tests, writing countless essays and research papers based not on you own opinions but only what your professor wants you to regurgitate back, maybe even some interning here and there) doesn't mean you qualify for a job in your chosen major/profession. Nope. You don't have enough experience in the real world. You also need previous employer references (preferably from a boss who didn't hate your guts, if you can find one) and at least three non-family member related references stating your quality as a human being. Because jobs won't train you. They want you to know everything about any possible work situation before you even walk in the door or else you're just wasting your time and looking like an idiot. You have to answer all these stupid questions about "Why you think you'd be a good candidate for this job?" and "What are three words that best describe your work ethic?" Well, do you want an honest answer or do you just want the same bullshit that everyone else tells you? How am I supposed to play Guess What I'm Thinking?

So then, while I am the only one in my house with a job, I get no respect or support from my family. My Mom and Grandma are both retired invalids who lay around all day eating junkfood, watching TV or sleeping and then have the nerve to call me lazy. And they both take enough pills between the two of them that they get so drugged out and stoned they fall over and can't get back up again, so then I'm the one who has to call 911 and run and get help like Lassie. So even if I could find a full time job, I'd still be expected to do everything around here because all of them don't do a damn thing. My 29 year old, fat ass, college drop out Brother is the worst of all. Mommy's been babying him for so long, he's become the stereotypical unemployed loser literally living in her basement. I'm lazy? I'm not pulling my weight around here? I'd say I'm carrying about 600+ pounds of dead weight around here. Everyone kicks me around and calls me fat and useless when they're too fat and lazy to see their own fucked up lives for what they really are. I hate my family. They're a bunch of hypocrites! My Brother can't walk five feet to the trash can to throw his wine cooler bottles away, my Mom and Grandma, I swear, have competitions to see who can fall the most times in one month or be the biggest invalid and get jealous when one is getting more attention than the other.

I went to college locally so I could live at home and not have to take out loans. My family said it was better to not work and go to school and just focus on my schoolwork. My Grandpa, the main source of support for our family at the time, passed away in 2006...about one year into my schooling. I had to take out over $8,000 in student loans just to keep things going so we wouldn't lose the house or starve to death. My Mom and Grandma were both too disabled to work, though I think my Mom just doesn't want to anymore and puts on an act, and my Brother is just a lazy loudmouthed fuck who can't hold down a job for more than a few months at a time, if that, because he shoots his mouth off to someone and gets fired...he has a problem with authority and doesn't like to be told what to do. I want to kick his ass to the curb but it's just gotten so damn big. He claims he hurt himself while working at Pep Boys but I think he's faking it just so he doesn't have to do anything. He has the attention span, temperament, and intelligence of a five year old. It takes damn near threatening for him to do one thing he was asked to do weeks or even months before. Mom's just basically given up on wanting to handle him or exert any authority or energy over him, so he runs amok doing whatever he pleases with no consequences, acting like a Jr. version of my loudmouthed, selfish father. I get into screaming matches with, him he makes me so mad and Mom basically says "You guys duke it out...I'm done" Yeah, well now I quit too! So yeah, of course I'm stressed. With no experience, I can't get a job, with no job, I can't pay my student loans, my student loans have defaulted and have tanked my credit rating which means now I can't get my own place because of bad credit and employers do credit checks so I'm screwed on all counts. Plus I'm stuck here with a house full of regressing children and feel like a damn nanny when my own life is slipping away in the process. I'm 27 and everyone around me is getting married and having babies, while I'm just getting older.

On top of that, the only guy I feel madly connected to and in love with won't date me because I'm not some size 2 anorexic...but has told me he feels closer to me than anyone else and always wants to spend time with me...even inviting me to a concert he was going to with his girlfriend at the time as a buffer because he knew he had absolutely nothing in common with her and everything in the world with me. He wants my brains and personality with her scrawny ass body...but he's too chickenshit and set in his own ways to go out of his comfort zone and date someone for something besides her ass, which will probably turn to fat in two years time anyways and then they'll have nothing in common at all. He's told me he loves my cooking, my sense of humor, my creativity...all these things...but he still goes after the same type of girl over and over again. So yeah, that sucks too. Knowing a guy is your perfect match but he's too stuck up to look at you. He's too afraid of real love. He just wants to play.

 And my friends have now told me that they don't like the way I talk about my life in a negative way on Facebook and should just be glad and joyous and praising Jesus all the time even when I feel like I want to just fuck it and overdose. Instead of trying to help me, they criticize me for the way I'm vocalizing my pain and fear and anger because it's not pleasant for them. I'm sorry but sunshine and rainbows aren't my thing right now. I've been beaten down and abused more in 27 years than they ever have and couldn't possibly understand what I'm going through. So I would appreciate it unless they actually have something helpful to contribute besides Jesus Loves You to just shut up. No one loves me, I'm just a waste of life. I'm tired of advice. I'm tired of being told what to do. I'm tired of being used and not appreciated. I've got to get out of here, dead or alive.

Med School

My Mom and I were talking the other day and the topic of Doctors came up. A funny point was made about how certain people decide to go into various areas of practice. I think the worst one would be Proctology. I mean really, out of ALL the other fields one could go into, one decides to literally deal with Assholes! It's hard to see the light at the end of that tunnel!

Not the best movie of the year!

I love how every preview for every movie they advertise on TV is always called "The best movie of the year" by some obscure critic somewhere. They just showed an advert for 21 Jump Street and called it the "Best Movie of the Year". Absurd! If that were the case then, shouldn't every movie that comes out have an Oscar? I mean I know they have to try to puff up their movie to the public so that it makes a lot of money at the box office but really come up with something more original than "best movie of the year." Or let the movie speak for itself. Don't lie about the quality of the movie. If it truly is good then it should be able to carry itself on pure merit alone and receive its desired following. That isn't one person's choice to make, it's based on a broad consensus of the average Joe and everyone's got their own opinion about what they think is great or not. I make my own judgments on what I like or find worthy of spending my money on. And no I do not think "21 Jump Street" is the best movie of the year. It looks stupid. I'm saving my money for The Avengers, Spider Man, The Dark Knight Rises and all the other really really good movies coming out this Spring and Summer, and a few Fall and Winter blockbusters. I'd be broke if I went to see every single movie that came out under that auspice. Discretion is key.

Thoughts about Movie Villains Enslaving Mankind.

Why do 90% of all movie villains want to enslave mankind? It sounds good in theory. But have you seen mankind lately? We need to take a sick day from a desk job, we're not going to make good slaves! The work will be shoddy at best and you can only blame yourself for that bad guys. Once you enslave us, then what? That's a lot of people to order around and supervise and some people don't take orders well....you've been to the drive through at a fast food place, you know what I'm talking about! It really just seems like a big hassle, doesn't it? Regardless of whatever magical powers or evil inventions you have, human beings have gotten a lot harder to deal with in recent centuries. It won't exactly be a cake walk. Speaking of cake. Using fit people for your enslavement plan might work, but since the majority is overweight, they're not going to be cut out for manual labor. Sure, take over a mansion and become rich, but leave the rest of us poor saps alone. We're just happy if we make it through one day without crying. We're already pretty much slaves to our electronics and various foodstuffs.

Informercials make me LOL

If aliens or people in the future ever see the black and white dramatizations of infomercials, they'll probably think we're all blithering morons incapable of even the simplest tasks. Whereas that might be true for some people, it does not bode well for the general populous. I love how it shows that after you receive (insert infomercial product name here) your life is just substantially so much better, the world is in color again, everyone is jumping around and happy music is playing. When in reality you probably find the box on your doorstep, open it, say "Oh that's what it looks like" and then use it once, hate it, repack it, vow to send it back but never do, and shove it in the back of your closet. Is there one company that handles all the infomercial marketing because all these things are always exactly the same format. If the product is so great and mindblowing, then how come it isn't available in regular stores? And how did $19.99 (and in some instances, $19.95) become the universally agreed upon price for 98% of all infomercial products? Is it some kind of secret code or conspiracy? Does having something under $20 make it simply irresistible to the masses? And why do we really need two of everything? (with additional shipping and handling) Does doubling the offer make the product all that more enticing or are they just trying to unload 6 warehouses full of merchandise that no one wants? 4 to 6 weeks for delivery? Why? Is it coming from a deep space black hole? These are the questions.

2011

In 2011 I:

-Went to the beach
-Traveled to San Francisco
-Jumped off a cliff
-Published a book
-Saw Kevin Richardson reunite with the Backstreet Boys onstage during the New Kids/Backstreet Show at Staples Center
-Saw Colbie Caillat perform, twice
-Saw Drake Bell perform and had a close encounter with him in the Hard Rock Cafe afterwards
-Saw The Head and the Heart concert
-Went Cosmic and Regular Bowling at least a dozen times
-Dressed up as Alice for Halloween
-Went to lots of Birthday parties
-Turned 27
-Hung out and met a lot of new people
-Went to my first Dodger Game in 22 years and they won!
-Attended backyard BBQ's
-Saw my first show and dressed up at the Pirate's Adventure Dinner Theater
-Went Midnight Hiking in Wildwood
-Had Midnight Breakfast at JP's
-Traveled to San Diego to be with friends
-Hung out with friends in Pasadena, Huntington Beach, Santa Monica, and Ventura
-Went to Fellowship and Bible Study
-Attempted to go ice skating (sold out) but still had fun otherwise in L.A.
-Discovered Diddy Riese ice cream sandwiches and Millions of Milkshakes
-Grew spiritually and laughed more in one year than I think have in quite awhile

2011 was a pretty good year. Let's make 2012 even better!!!

The Beginning of the End

So here I am, out of college with my BA in Liberal Studies and absolutely no idea what to do with my life! I'll admit, I started out as a Theater Major because I've been interested in it for a long time, but being around other people with aspirations to be actors was actually good in that it helped me see that as an interest it was fine but as an educational goal and a career it wasn't going to work.

Theater outside of Drama Camps and the like was very competitive and I noticed a lot of times, the "favorites" always got cast in the lead roles. It made something that used to be fun, not so fun. I had some people I knew who were trying to be discovered professional actors, but even after college were still waiters in Restaurants. I thought to myself, "What the hell am I supposed to do with this?" So between Sophomore and Junior year I decided I wanted to be an Elementary School Teacher because I've always loved interacting with kids and I switched my major to Liberal Studies. I continued on with Liberal Studies and finally got my degree in May 2009.

Over the course of the next two years while pursuing my degree I came to the conclusion that, once again, Teaching was not for me! I did some actual in-class interning and observation hours and OMG it was crazy. 20+ kids jumping all around and constantly bombarding you with questions, parents nagging and blaming you for their kids' problems, funding being cut or linked to test scores, having to plan every little detail....it was just too much. So now I don't know what to do.

I feel like something with Theater would still be something I would really enjoy, but having a degree in it seemed pointless, I would still like to do something behind the scenes, even if it's just Administrative Paperwork. Just to be in the Theater would be a dream. Yet I have no idea what that kind of job pays, if there are any positions open, or if I really would like it. I just don't have that much real job experience yet. It doesn't make it any easier that I've been without insurance for almost a year now and I struggle with the pain and stiffness of Rheumatoid Arthritis in my Back, Neck, and Legs. Even simple things are a struggle and I can't afford the treatments and Doctors I used to have before that helped me.

So I'm just kind of stuck right now. I'm open to interning and anything to get my foot in the door but I just don't know where to start. It's so frustrating. I always thought growing up that after College, you could just walk into anything and the world would be full of opportunity, but with the economic downturn and all it's just made things a million times more difficult. I have student loans due and my family is nagging me to find a job, but it's not so easy! It was easy for them but things are different now! And it's especially hard to find a job when you don't even know what it is you're looking for! I'm constantly stressing out, I'm anxious, I can't sleep at night, I'm thinking about everything all at once and I just feel like an avalanche is burying me and I can't get out! I wish I knew what to do. I wish it could be easy.

What do I do?